Joel's Results are In. Time for a time out.

As I was standing in line today to exchange something, an older gentleman looked at Hailey and she smiled at him.  She's a happy girl like that.  His response to her smile was, "Is this her first Christmas?"  I said, "Yep, and she's going to have a blast playing in the wrapping paper."  Deeper into that statement was... it's tight this year and there won't be many gifts under the Christmas tree... It's a small, 3 foot Fir tree, but it's real and it made Joel's holiday.  It has been 15 years since he's had a real tree.  It was a tradition with his dad and family to go cut down a tree each year.  When his dad passed, that tradition stopped.  This will be my second tree.  We decided though that even with the limits on budget the Tree will remain year after year.

We'll finish the lights and balls.  Then we plan to hang pictures from the year to fill in the gaps.

What brought that thought on?  Well, the results of Joel's medical questions are finally in.  The MRI was clean.  The CT scan was clean.  The Physical Therapist did what she could but the dizziness and other symptoms were still there; some were getting worse and new symptoms were appearing.  It got to the point that Joel called the work hotline and talked to a clinician.  The signs, symptoms and behaviors clearly pointed towards a diagnosis.  PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.  It's not a permanent thing if treated, I've made it through a bought of it after my mission, but it is quite debilitating while you're in it.  So what do we do?  It has been recommended that Joel take a temporary medical leave from his current position as a corrections officer.  He needs to spend some time taking care of himself or else there won't be much of him left to really care for.

So starting Monday, December 16th, Joel will be on medical leave.  How long?  We're not sure.  What does that mean for income and survival?  His work will pay him 60% of his wages.  But where does the rest come from?  Remember all those lessons you've heard about food storage and having a back up emergency fund?  I know I haven't been the best with stocking the cupboards but we have some.  Lots of peanut butter, tuna, flour, yeast, the staples, etc.  Since Joel and I have been married I've learned how to make a lot of things from scratch.  Bread, laundry detergent, stir fry sauce, cream of mushroom/chicken/etc, cloth diaper wipes and solution to go with the cloth diapers.  This next little while will put my efforts to the test and bless us at the same time for the way we live already.

How long will he be out?  At least a month or two.  What is he going to do with his time?  It will be mixed with medical appointments, and counseling appointments for both of us so we can learn together how to manage and cope with stress and trauma.  He needs to keep life structured though so in addition to medical, stressful, taxing stuff, he is going to take advantage of his season ski pass.  For some refuge is found in a temple or sanctuary.  For Joel his sanctuary is the mountains, especially those covered in snow.  This time off will also give him time to get to know his daughter better.  It will also give us the chance to learn more about each other in the best and the worse of times.

Is it scary?  Yes.  But for some reason there is the lingering feeling that things will work out.  We hope that during this season where the stores are crowded with people purchasing and consuming that we can stop and be thankful for the small things, like our 3 foot tree with only half the lights on it.  We have a happy little girl.  She doesn't know the difference between rich and poor, she only knows happy and sad through emotion and expression.  Let us keep the smiles and gratitude plentiful.

Picture update! 99% Hailey...

Lounging around while Mom works in the kitchen.

What do you mean there is no more sweet potatoes?!!!

Hailey's become quite the mover.  She started the night on her belly in the upper left corner...  

Dad found John Deer bibs! 

The things in life that really matter... stealing Daddy's glasses.

I'm going to get this down.

No Ordinary Maintenance Guys

Rick Briner and Brian ???  These are the two guys that showed up at my door to replace our water heater...the one that dumped brown loveliness and rust colored gunk into my hot bath about a month ago.

Rick is a middle aged gentleman, tall and super skinny with a gentle countenance about him.  Brian is tall, wears a gotee and facial scruff and is covered in tattoos but also has a gentle countenance about him even with his first glances appearance.  They spent a good chunk of time working on our water heater as it threw them for loop after loop, trip after trip to the store, and finally more than 24 hrs later and lots of conversations, a completed project.

There has been tons and tons happening in the Smith home.  Our adventures never seemed to cease.  I wish I could say that they were all Disneyland/exciting but they weren't.  But Hailey did learned how to squeal/scream.  She's holding the crawl position and rocking back and forth. Joel might be getting a dog.  Joel hopes that he can manage to pull enough overtime together to pay for his portion of a season ski pass.  We went to Vegas, came back from Vegas.  Have had demons to battle, Thanksgivings to celebrate, and the year still isn't quite over yet.

So with everything that has gone on, why is it that two maintenance men are the reason that I sit down to write?  Because they impressed me.  Just like when I first walked into our apartment to check it out and knew I loved it, I knew that I'd like these guys.  Brian worked tirelessly to try and put back together a jerry-rigged plumbing job that was left by whomever installed our old water heater.  He had to replace pretty much all of the plumbing.  They got to the apartment around 2:30 and left at 8 still not having won the battle with the water heater.  It was holding it's ground strong and immovable in the middle of our living room when they left.  They came back this morning fairly early and again started working on it.  10 a.m.-1 p.m. and Brian thought he had it finished.  He flipped the switch and we all headed out to do our own things.  I came back after picking Joel up from work and getting a new battery for Joel's car (don't ask) around 2:30... plenty of time for 40 gallons of water to heat and... drum roll!!!  Cold water...  I texted Brian. Yes, he had left me his direct number.  He came back over and couldn't figure out why a brand new heater wouldn't work.  He finally called his boss-the contractor, electrician, seminary teacher, maintenance man- and he came back over too.

Keep in mind we live on the second floor, it's been 20 degrees average outside, and those two have been up and down those stairs quite a bit.  Up, down, bend over, stand up, scratch head...  No big deal right?  Not really. Rick has stress/trauma induced disease that affects his capillaries.  His body contains twice the amount of water that a normal persons does.  How?  I have no idea.  So what?  Well, when it's super cold out he freezes faster than the rest of us.  Then his muscles stiffen up and he aches.  His wife came with him this morning and this evening.  She helped him get out of bed, dressed him and accompanied him to the job today because yesterday was taking its toll on his body.  She picked up the tools so he wouldn't have to.  She helped him down to the floor when he needed to check the fuse box or power relay or whatever that thing on the bottom of the heater was and then she helped him back up again.  When he got exhausted, he sat down in Joel's favorite man chair.  There he sat and talked with us and Brian and Valorie continued to work.

With no water last night it was hard for me to make dinner.  I had started to try but eventually gave up. As we headed out to meet the tow guy with Joel's car we decided that we'd just pick up a pizza from Costco.  Rick tried to give us the means to pay for the pizza since they still weren't done yet and that was the reason I couldn't finish dinner.  We told Rick and Brian it was no big deal.  When we got back they were still here.  We didn't have the pizza though.  Costco had already closed.  Cereal night it was.  But Joel and I were happy and content.

While sitting and talking today which turned into tonight, Rick said, since I couldn't buy you pizza last night I've decided that we're going to take you two and Hailey out to dinner with us at our favorite restaurant.  Costa Vida.  Since these maintenance men were starting to feel more and more like friends instead of hired workers, we didn't refuse.  The night continued on.  We all kept talking.  and finally the water heater was conquered and they went home for the evening.  As they were leaving, Rick said, you'll have to come over sometime Joel and tinker in my woodshop.  That was like inviting Joel to taste test a candy store.

So almost a day and half later, I got to take my hot shower.  With still lots to do and overcome, I finally was able to blog because I had something noteworthy to write about.  They thanked us for not being upset but being easy going about the whole situation.  It really was more of a blessing for us than a burden.

Delicious Blackberries Come Only Through the Thorns

Sorry for not writing, these last few weeks have been challenging, actually challenging isn't the right word.  We've been all but stretched to our max and then pushed a little over the edge.  With Drs, therapists, job possibilities, thoughts on education, and all the usual chores that come with maintaining regular life... I really started to lose my mind, my hope, what little faith it seemed like I had.  Often Joel and I would say, I know life is supposed to be hard, but for just a short time can we have an easy break?

I was talking with a friend today and he said he felt like he was in a rut.  I said, I can relate.  Now all of us are in a rut of varying size throughout the days and weeks but sometimes the deep ones really get us down and make it so that we can't see anything, let alone the positive.  After a little bit of talking, listening, and multitasking the chores in between, I had a thought.  It's not about the new, the different, the exciting or even the of excitement... It's about appreciating the small and simple things.  I know we hear that in scriptures and in church but you know, and I forgot, but was recently reminded... it's true.

Hailey has a few things that she really enjoys.  She loves looking at ceiling fans or bright lights.  She has the same dome mat with hanging mobiles and she never gets tired of it.  I even bought new toys and she prefers the old ones.  Recently she loves watching "The Croods" with us.  Each day she plays with the same things... although she did take quite the interest in my cereal bowl and spoon lately... mostly just the spoon.  Something soo simple as a spoon, or a shiny plastic castle, and she was perfectly happy.  All of these things are soo simple and fascinating to her but are commonplace and boring to us.  Can you entertain yourself with just a spoon?

Take the movie "The Croods."  Usually I don't like watching movies over and over because I get bored... a very few movies can actually  capture that much of my attention... The Lion King is one of them.  Back from the tangent... in "The Croods" the more we watch it, the more we see.  Small details, facial expressions, puns, etc. We enjoy watching it and even just listening to it and waiting for those lines that we know will make us smile even though we're in the other room and can't actually see the screen.

Now, do we do this with our normal, boring, every day lives?  Do we look for the things that are there but usually overlooked?  Instead of seeing all the things to criticize about or complain about, or the things that we feel are lacking, what can we appreciate?  For those of us that are married, we get to look at the same person day in and day out!  Uh huh, what just went through your mind... was it positive or were you rolling your eyes saying "Don't remind me?"  I needed a serious Reframe.  Do you remember when you'd look into those eyes and could see the world and all the possibilities?

We need to get back to the small and simple things.  Can the greatest part of love or intimacy be a hug?  Can a hug really be exciting?  Yes!  Something so simple can express so many different things.  Or is it just one of the small things that are overlooked when we walk in the door and dinner isn't done, and there's stuff all over the floor, and your spouse is frazzled because it's not all done/perfect like the Brady Bunch.

As much as I've wished and hoped and even prayed for an easy streak, it rarely comes, and when it does come I'm usually too busy being worried or searching for a way to make things better or more exciting or different so it's not boring... But then I've missed it.  That small moment has passed.

Are the days still hard?  You'd better believe it.  Are there still boring things to be done?  Yep, dishes and laundry and food preparations never end.  The alarm still rings and 4 and 4:30 in the morning telling us it's time to repeat the day.  But even though it seems the same, there's always something new and exciting to be found, something to make us smile IF we will look for it.  Let us work to turn our tears of frustration and stress into tears of happiness and contentment with what we do have, because we may not always have it.

I write these things not to chastise but because I usually need to hear them myself.  I know many of you read these posts anonymously.  But today I challenge you to post something that you saw today that made you smile.  Something that you may have missed every other day but stopped to pay attention to today.  On my mission, it was like stopping to eat the blackberries on the side of the road.  I could have been sour about walking in the heat to who knows where, but when I saw those blackberries I smiled and worked through the thorns to that deliciously sweet treat.

Joel's Heart

Over the last three weeks there have been a few things that I have noticed that make me laugh.  

When I wake up in the morning I have two thoughts: "I don't wanna wake up." (This may be left over from my teenage years but hey 4:00 is early for anyone every day) and "Where is my little girl and is she doing ok." Ok, three thoughts. 

The highlight of my day is coming home and seeing my darling little one. 

My favorite time is Sunday mornings. I usually get to wake up and take care of my little girl and its daughter daddy time. Then we get to both wake up mommy.  (You seeing the same pattern I am?) 

When I don't get to see my little girl when I come home my next day is usually crap.

No matter how I feel, one smile from Hailey has me putty in someones hands and makes my day.

Its amazing how much one little thing or one little someone can overtake your life in ways you cannot imagine. I find myself at work thinking about two things more often than I care to admit. How is my wife doing and how is my little girl?  Just think that over a year ago that my life seemed incomplete and now I cannot imagine life without my family. I am complete and I never knew what joy really was. Now I do and I wont ever let it go.

Reframed to See through the Eyes of a Child

As I look back through my pre-mission, mission, and wedding photos, I wish for the body that I once had.  The funny thing is though, that when I had that body, I still wasn't satisfied.  I thought I was fat or had problem areas.  I took my curves for something bad.  Even though my stomach was mostly flat it wasn't completely flat.  My arms weren't toned enough even though they were strong and I could climb difficult rock climbing routes and do pretty darn good chaturangas (yoga pose).  I had fallen victim to the world's ideas and even if I were a twig, had a flat stomach and chiseled arms, I still wouldn't have been happy.  I know this but I still look in the mirror and grumble.  I tell Joel about it and he says, you just had a baby not to long ago, you look great and I love you and your body just the way you are.  That doesn't make sense to me because the world's image is that men are fickle and shallow and only look at the goods...  Are we noticing a pattern about the world?  It's usually wrong.

So, what sparked this?  I stepped on the scale last night and was upset because I was 2 pounds heavier... GRRRR... I can't really complain though because getting to the gym has been on my mind but never in my feet.  I'm usually up with Joel when his alarm goes off at 4:30.  I may not always get out of bed but I've been woken up none the less.  Then Hailey wakes up, eats and goes back to sleep for another 2 hours... It makes for long early mornings. So if I don't get to the gym I can't be mad at the scale.

Do I always think this rationally?  Nope!  I have a wonderful counselor who has always reinforced the theory of "reframing."  There are two quilts in our living room, each with a border on them.  What would happen if I changed the color or pattern on the border or completely took it off all together?  It would change the whole look of the quilt.  That is reframing.  Take a thought or idea that may have one border, usually a negative one, and replace it with a positive one.

How does it look with no border?

My negative border: the weight on the scale, the size of my hips, the size of my pants, the list could be endless but let's not go there.  With the craziness of Joel's health challenges and Hailey's weight and eating challenges, I've had my hands full.  The dishes don't always get done.  The apartment doesn't get picked up.  There are clothes and random things all throughout the house.  But I have a happy baby and happy husband.

New Border! Reframe that negativity into something positive.  Joel has been trying to tell me this for months but I never believed him.  He says, I love you and your shape just the way you are.  He wouldn't trade me and my current body for my old body and soul.  My body, my hips, my eyes, and my heart have all changed in the past 14 months because of everything that it has gone through.

Ah, much better.

Do you remember the movie Cars 2?  Mater doesn't want to lose his dents because they all mean something to him.  I have bags under my eyes because I make sure my husband has a lunch and plenty of snacks for his workday.  I have baby weight still, but I have a beautiful little girl who loves to smile and if her smiles could melt away imperfections, I'd be perfect.  My hair is rarely done.  There's no makeup.  Most days I forget to even put on deodorant... These are all physical features that the world cares about, but Hailey doesn't.  Why is that?  Because she knows what is important.  I have said multiple times that I learn so much from her.  Now, does this mean fast food and junk food are up for grabs?  No, because she still needs a healthy momma.  I wish I could see the world through her eyes more often.  I am learning.  I have a great teacher.  Thank you Hailey.  We love you and are grateful for all you teach us and share with us.

Kangaroo Joel and General Conference Bread.

I'm sure many of you are wondering where the medical update is.  Well, we are still waiting for the nurse/dr to call us back.  It's been a week since the email told us the nurse would call.  I've tried calling back multiple times already and ... yeah... nothing.  I've had serious thoughts of when she called back saying, "Sorry to inform you but Joel had a massive stroke four days ago and died.  They finished the autopsy and found a massive annuerism in his brain.  Why didn't your MRI catch that?"  I most likely won't.  So what did the MRI say?  We're not quite sure.  The Dr wrote a quick email saying it came back clean.  So we are poorer and no further along than when we started.

Obviously I was quite upset by all of this so I returned to my tried and tested oils.  Yes I'm one of those.  But if essential oils can get me through major depression and anxiety after mission, marriage, moving, and pregnancy, then I'm sold.  I looked up vertigo and did some research.  Frankincense is a good for all ailments oil.  Expensive but people 2000 years ago knew it's importance and healing powers.  So I've been putting frankincense on Joel morning and night and sometimes randomly throughout the day.  That combined with a couple other blends and oils and it seems like his dizziness is slowly getting better.  It's only been a week though.  We'll keep you all posted.

So, what else has been going on in life?  On the adventure side!  Adventure for a family with a 4 month old that is... we've visited the Boise Zoo!  We found that Joel can carry Hailey quite well in his hoodie.  
We went out to eat... basically a picnic in downtown with homemade white chicken chili.  We got bored in the house and I wanted to play a game so we reworked a few things in Settlers of Catan to make it two player friendly.  Basically we each play two players so that we have enough "players."  It makes it quite interesting because not only are you playing against your opponent, you are playing against yourself.  It makes it interesting when you cut yourself off!  How though do you make it so you don't cheat one player and let the other win?  You have two ways of winning.  Making it to the set score of ten.  But also cumulative points for both settlements that you are  playing.  It's fun.

With Dr. visits, Joel working, Hailey learning more and more and trying her hardest to walk, outting adventures to see the sights of Boise, and other things that waste our time, we are enjoying life.  It's hard sometimes and frustrating at others, but then Hailey smiles...even though she's hungry... and life goes on.

Watching General Conference while Mom makes Banana Bread.

Playing on my dome mat and learning to smile for the camera.

A Bear! Wait, two of them! Nope just Joel and Hailey.

The Giraffes were pretty cool, but I must admit I really thought the bats were pretty cool.
Then I saw a Tiger... talk about big!

Not just a normal bunny, but a massive one.  Compare it to its bowl...
This one would eat your dog... if it were a carnivore.

The Smith Family

Why Hello.  Have you come to play with me this morning?!  I'm all smiles and songs!

I've eaten breakfast and gotten dressed... Now for play time! Mommy puts me on her knees and bounces me.  Ready?

Helping mommy with the Laundry.  There's always lots of it. It seems like she's doing it all the time.

It's still warm... The laundry that is. ;P

Mirror? What's a mirror?

Does it talk back to me?

Stop doing laundry and play with me!

What?! I'm attempting to fit my whole fist in my mouth.

I'm going to get it all the way in!

It's harder than it looks!

Last try! Close but okay not all the way.

Not the carseat! I like being snuggled in right here with you.  Can I stay this way?! Please I love you!

After a long day of playing, laundry, and shopping, I'm popped!