Delicious Blackberries Come Only Through the Thorns

Sorry for not writing, these last few weeks have been challenging, actually challenging isn't the right word.  We've been all but stretched to our max and then pushed a little over the edge.  With Drs, therapists, job possibilities, thoughts on education, and all the usual chores that come with maintaining regular life... I really started to lose my mind, my hope, what little faith it seemed like I had.  Often Joel and I would say, I know life is supposed to be hard, but for just a short time can we have an easy break?

I was talking with a friend today and he said he felt like he was in a rut.  I said, I can relate.  Now all of us are in a rut of varying size throughout the days and weeks but sometimes the deep ones really get us down and make it so that we can't see anything, let alone the positive.  After a little bit of talking, listening, and multitasking the chores in between, I had a thought.  It's not about the new, the different, the exciting or even the of excitement... It's about appreciating the small and simple things.  I know we hear that in scriptures and in church but you know, and I forgot, but was recently reminded... it's true.

Hailey has a few things that she really enjoys.  She loves looking at ceiling fans or bright lights.  She has the same dome mat with hanging mobiles and she never gets tired of it.  I even bought new toys and she prefers the old ones.  Recently she loves watching "The Croods" with us.  Each day she plays with the same things... although she did take quite the interest in my cereal bowl and spoon lately... mostly just the spoon.  Something soo simple as a spoon, or a shiny plastic castle, and she was perfectly happy.  All of these things are soo simple and fascinating to her but are commonplace and boring to us.  Can you entertain yourself with just a spoon?

Take the movie "The Croods."  Usually I don't like watching movies over and over because I get bored... a very few movies can actually  capture that much of my attention... The Lion King is one of them.  Back from the tangent... in "The Croods" the more we watch it, the more we see.  Small details, facial expressions, puns, etc. We enjoy watching it and even just listening to it and waiting for those lines that we know will make us smile even though we're in the other room and can't actually see the screen.

Now, do we do this with our normal, boring, every day lives?  Do we look for the things that are there but usually overlooked?  Instead of seeing all the things to criticize about or complain about, or the things that we feel are lacking, what can we appreciate?  For those of us that are married, we get to look at the same person day in and day out!  Uh huh, what just went through your mind... was it positive or were you rolling your eyes saying "Don't remind me?"  I needed a serious Reframe.  Do you remember when you'd look into those eyes and could see the world and all the possibilities?

We need to get back to the small and simple things.  Can the greatest part of love or intimacy be a hug?  Can a hug really be exciting?  Yes!  Something so simple can express so many different things.  Or is it just one of the small things that are overlooked when we walk in the door and dinner isn't done, and there's stuff all over the floor, and your spouse is frazzled because it's not all done/perfect like the Brady Bunch.

As much as I've wished and hoped and even prayed for an easy streak, it rarely comes, and when it does come I'm usually too busy being worried or searching for a way to make things better or more exciting or different so it's not boring... But then I've missed it.  That small moment has passed.

Are the days still hard?  You'd better believe it.  Are there still boring things to be done?  Yep, dishes and laundry and food preparations never end.  The alarm still rings and 4 and 4:30 in the morning telling us it's time to repeat the day.  But even though it seems the same, there's always something new and exciting to be found, something to make us smile IF we will look for it.  Let us work to turn our tears of frustration and stress into tears of happiness and contentment with what we do have, because we may not always have it.

I write these things not to chastise but because I usually need to hear them myself.  I know many of you read these posts anonymously.  But today I challenge you to post something that you saw today that made you smile.  Something that you may have missed every other day but stopped to pay attention to today.  On my mission, it was like stopping to eat the blackberries on the side of the road.  I could have been sour about walking in the heat to who knows where, but when I saw those blackberries I smiled and worked through the thorns to that deliciously sweet treat.

Joel's Heart

Over the last three weeks there have been a few things that I have noticed that make me laugh.  

When I wake up in the morning I have two thoughts: "I don't wanna wake up." (This may be left over from my teenage years but hey 4:00 is early for anyone every day) and "Where is my little girl and is she doing ok." Ok, three thoughts. 

The highlight of my day is coming home and seeing my darling little one. 

My favorite time is Sunday mornings. I usually get to wake up and take care of my little girl and its daughter daddy time. Then we get to both wake up mommy.  (You seeing the same pattern I am?) 

When I don't get to see my little girl when I come home my next day is usually crap.

No matter how I feel, one smile from Hailey has me putty in someones hands and makes my day.

Its amazing how much one little thing or one little someone can overtake your life in ways you cannot imagine. I find myself at work thinking about two things more often than I care to admit. How is my wife doing and how is my little girl?  Just think that over a year ago that my life seemed incomplete and now I cannot imagine life without my family. I am complete and I never knew what joy really was. Now I do and I wont ever let it go.

Reframed to See through the Eyes of a Child

As I look back through my pre-mission, mission, and wedding photos, I wish for the body that I once had.  The funny thing is though, that when I had that body, I still wasn't satisfied.  I thought I was fat or had problem areas.  I took my curves for something bad.  Even though my stomach was mostly flat it wasn't completely flat.  My arms weren't toned enough even though they were strong and I could climb difficult rock climbing routes and do pretty darn good chaturangas (yoga pose).  I had fallen victim to the world's ideas and even if I were a twig, had a flat stomach and chiseled arms, I still wouldn't have been happy.  I know this but I still look in the mirror and grumble.  I tell Joel about it and he says, you just had a baby not to long ago, you look great and I love you and your body just the way you are.  That doesn't make sense to me because the world's image is that men are fickle and shallow and only look at the goods...  Are we noticing a pattern about the world?  It's usually wrong.

So, what sparked this?  I stepped on the scale last night and was upset because I was 2 pounds heavier... GRRRR... I can't really complain though because getting to the gym has been on my mind but never in my feet.  I'm usually up with Joel when his alarm goes off at 4:30.  I may not always get out of bed but I've been woken up none the less.  Then Hailey wakes up, eats and goes back to sleep for another 2 hours... It makes for long early mornings. So if I don't get to the gym I can't be mad at the scale.

Do I always think this rationally?  Nope!  I have a wonderful counselor who has always reinforced the theory of "reframing."  There are two quilts in our living room, each with a border on them.  What would happen if I changed the color or pattern on the border or completely took it off all together?  It would change the whole look of the quilt.  That is reframing.  Take a thought or idea that may have one border, usually a negative one, and replace it with a positive one.

How does it look with no border?

My negative border: the weight on the scale, the size of my hips, the size of my pants, the list could be endless but let's not go there.  With the craziness of Joel's health challenges and Hailey's weight and eating challenges, I've had my hands full.  The dishes don't always get done.  The apartment doesn't get picked up.  There are clothes and random things all throughout the house.  But I have a happy baby and happy husband.

New Border! Reframe that negativity into something positive.  Joel has been trying to tell me this for months but I never believed him.  He says, I love you and your shape just the way you are.  He wouldn't trade me and my current body for my old body and soul.  My body, my hips, my eyes, and my heart have all changed in the past 14 months because of everything that it has gone through.

Ah, much better.

Do you remember the movie Cars 2?  Mater doesn't want to lose his dents because they all mean something to him.  I have bags under my eyes because I make sure my husband has a lunch and plenty of snacks for his workday.  I have baby weight still, but I have a beautiful little girl who loves to smile and if her smiles could melt away imperfections, I'd be perfect.  My hair is rarely done.  There's no makeup.  Most days I forget to even put on deodorant... These are all physical features that the world cares about, but Hailey doesn't.  Why is that?  Because she knows what is important.  I have said multiple times that I learn so much from her.  Now, does this mean fast food and junk food are up for grabs?  No, because she still needs a healthy momma.  I wish I could see the world through her eyes more often.  I am learning.  I have a great teacher.  Thank you Hailey.  We love you and are grateful for all you teach us and share with us.

Kangaroo Joel and General Conference Bread.

I'm sure many of you are wondering where the medical update is.  Well, we are still waiting for the nurse/dr to call us back.  It's been a week since the email told us the nurse would call.  I've tried calling back multiple times already and ... yeah... nothing.  I've had serious thoughts of when she called back saying, "Sorry to inform you but Joel had a massive stroke four days ago and died.  They finished the autopsy and found a massive annuerism in his brain.  Why didn't your MRI catch that?"  I most likely won't.  So what did the MRI say?  We're not quite sure.  The Dr wrote a quick email saying it came back clean.  So we are poorer and no further along than when we started.

Obviously I was quite upset by all of this so I returned to my tried and tested oils.  Yes I'm one of those.  But if essential oils can get me through major depression and anxiety after mission, marriage, moving, and pregnancy, then I'm sold.  I looked up vertigo and did some research.  Frankincense is a good for all ailments oil.  Expensive but people 2000 years ago knew it's importance and healing powers.  So I've been putting frankincense on Joel morning and night and sometimes randomly throughout the day.  That combined with a couple other blends and oils and it seems like his dizziness is slowly getting better.  It's only been a week though.  We'll keep you all posted.

So, what else has been going on in life?  On the adventure side!  Adventure for a family with a 4 month old that is... we've visited the Boise Zoo!  We found that Joel can carry Hailey quite well in his hoodie.  
We went out to eat... basically a picnic in downtown with homemade white chicken chili.  We got bored in the house and I wanted to play a game so we reworked a few things in Settlers of Catan to make it two player friendly.  Basically we each play two players so that we have enough "players."  It makes it quite interesting because not only are you playing against your opponent, you are playing against yourself.  It makes it interesting when you cut yourself off!  How though do you make it so you don't cheat one player and let the other win?  You have two ways of winning.  Making it to the set score of ten.  But also cumulative points for both settlements that you are  playing.  It's fun.

With Dr. visits, Joel working, Hailey learning more and more and trying her hardest to walk, outting adventures to see the sights of Boise, and other things that waste our time, we are enjoying life.  It's hard sometimes and frustrating at others, but then Hailey smiles...even though she's hungry... and life goes on.

Watching General Conference while Mom makes Banana Bread.

Playing on my dome mat and learning to smile for the camera.

A Bear! Wait, two of them! Nope just Joel and Hailey.

The Giraffes were pretty cool, but I must admit I really thought the bats were pretty cool.
Then I saw a Tiger... talk about big!

Not just a normal bunny, but a massive one.  Compare it to its bowl...
This one would eat your dog... if it were a carnivore.

The Smith Family

Why Hello.  Have you come to play with me this morning?!  I'm all smiles and songs!

I've eaten breakfast and gotten dressed... Now for play time! Mommy puts me on her knees and bounces me.  Ready?

Helping mommy with the Laundry.  There's always lots of it. It seems like she's doing it all the time.

It's still warm... The laundry that is. ;P

Mirror? What's a mirror?

Does it talk back to me?

Stop doing laundry and play with me!

What?! I'm attempting to fit my whole fist in my mouth.

I'm going to get it all the way in!

It's harder than it looks!

Last try! Close but okay not all the way.

Not the carseat! I like being snuggled in right here with you.  Can I stay this way?! Please I love you!

After a long day of playing, laundry, and shopping, I'm popped!

MRI for Joel

For the past two months Joel has been having dizzy spells that are progressively getting worse.  When they first started he chalked it up to trying to be more open and thus the mental and emotional strain was to blame.  But things continued to get worse.  The dizzy spells lasted longer and came more frequently.  Then to add to it his nosebleeds started coming more frequently as well.  We didn't know if the two were related but the combination was enough to convince Joel that he should probably schedule a visit to the Dr. 

We saw a general family practitioner two weeks ago and he ordered blood work.  The blood work didn't show much other than Joel had high cholesterol and triglycerides.  As much as it wasn't fun to find that out, Joel pretty much already knew that.  So with normal enough results and nothing that would indicate dizzy spells the Dr proceeded to order another test.  Joel had an MRI done on Tuesday October 1.  I usually go to the appointments with him but this time he went while I stayed home with Hailey.  He came back and although we don't know how bad it is, the impression he got was that the results weren't good.  Part way through the MRI, the technician called for the specialist to come in and read the results as they were happening.  Even though he had read through a good part of it, they still couldn't tell Joel much other than that our Dr would contact us to let us know the results.

So here we are.  Waiting again.  In limbo not knowing if things are good or bad or terrible horrible no good very bad days ahead.  Joel is more worried than he is letting on.  Oddly enough I'm not super worried.  I figure that things will work out the way they need to.  I'm usually ubber worried about our finances, but that as well, I know will be taken care of.  We're doing the best we can.

So, the funny part in all of this.  As our finances and bills have gotten tighter, we find ourselves still being more charitable.  There are plenty of homeless people on the street.  We won't give money but we often have snacks of some kinds in our bag or car.  Even though we shouldn't be able to afford it, we still invite others over for dinner because they have even less than us and a good night of company is worth the small price to "add a little more water to the soup" (Newsies).  We figure that the more we give the more we'll be taken care of.  My Aunt and her family moved to NC and instead of taking their furniture they just gave it away.  Dana brought us back a couple bookcases, a dresser and a few other random things that we were patiently saving our pennies for.  Now we have more pennies to share.  So, I'm not worried.  Things will work out.  Plus it really doesn't do much good to worry. 

I have watched as our friend, Justin Hanks, has posted humorous thoughts as he goes through chemo for his cancer.  What better example to have during hard times.  Life is hard but Joel and I still find things to laugh about and ways to have fun together.  One way that Joel and I are having fun is through games.  You would think with only two people we are limited on certain games, like Settlers of Catan.  BUT! I asked him one night if he'd play with me and we'd rotate on being the third player.  He suggested instead that we each play two players.  We didn't know how well it would work, but it actually works quite well!  It makes it more complicated because you're playing against yourself as well as another person.  We've enjoyed the game but I think he's a little burnt out.  It just goes to show that we can always find a way to make things work, life, games, medical maladies... They're all just one type of board game or another. 

On the positive side.  Hailey is sleeping through the night, usually 10-12 hours.  She has dropped multiple midsized naps for a cat nap in the morning and a 3 hours nap in the afternoon.  She's learning to talk aka babble/coo.  She's learning to grab and pull on her toys and bat at the ones that hang from her dome mat.  She enjoys playing in the bath.  She'd rather stand than sit.  She still spits up with a bulls eye aim.  And she loves to smile, especially in the mirror.  That was a new development.  Mirrors! Who knew!  She reminds me each day that is really is the simple things that are important.