This past weekend Joel and Hailey were in Lincoln NE for a friends wedding. That left me home with Emilee from Thursday till Monday afternoon. At first I thought, "Hey only taking care of one other person instead of three, this will be a nice break." Well it doesn't work like that. Just like making extra for dinner doesn't require much more effort, taking care of Hailey didn't take that much extra effort. The part that I didn't plan on was the quiet, the silence, the lack of interaction. It made the crying seem so much louder. Friday night I went over to a friends and that helped but by Saturday the silence or crying was getting to me again. I had the thought to call Lynn and see if I could come down Sunday after church and stay till Monday when I had to pick up Joel and Hailey from the airport.
I packed up and headed down after church. Lynn said she'd leave the door open so that I could come in and take a nap as well if they weren't up. I don't think I realized just how tired I was. I was twenty miles outside of Mountain Home when my eyes started to get droopy. I finally made it there about 2:15, left Emilee in her carseat asleep, and laid down on the bed. I only remember thinking I hope I can fall asleep. Then next thing I know Emilee is crying and hungry. I grab her and go sit in the living room on the recliner to feed her. Everyone was still asleep and soo I was out again as well. Emilee ate her fill and went to sleep as usually. I hadn't kept track of the time. I woke up to Lynn in the kitchen. It was 4. Almost two hours of nap time. Wow. It was nice and relaxing being able to crash out like that.
Being in their home has always been a calming place. While staying at Lynn's, she made a few comments that had reference to my grandma Clarke. I know that she loves/loved and misses my grandma a lot and she doesn't hesitate to show her emotions. Something that I haven't always been accustomed to. Whether it was genealogy or a bowl that was my grandmas or just sitting in the office on my grandma's old rocker/glider chair. In all of my aunts and uncles, Lynn reminds me the most of my grandma. Her laugh/chuckle, her grey hair, the things she has adopted from my grandma such as tips/tricks with canning, and probably much much more.
As my time with Lynn, her family, and her home are coming to an end, I realized something. Her home is a place of refuge. It was the same way with my grandma Clarke's home. It's still that way with Grandpa Clarke. This past April we--Joel, Hailey and I--took a trip to visit my grandpa Clarke and on the way we went to conference and Joel was able to go to his mission reunion for the first time. Life had been hard on us from December to April and being at Grandpa's home was a refuge, a place of safety and comfort. A place that was desperately needed. A place that Joel and I were able to open up and talk to each other and it seemed as if our disputes or problems became much smaller.
Talking with Lynn this morning while canning peaches, I told her that sometimes Joel and I spend money that we probably shouldn't in order to do things that are more beneficial for us in the long run. Taking the trip to Grandpa Clarke's was expensive, but the healing and time we were able to spend with him and Margaret was more than worth it. Joel flying out to Denver and then carpooling with friends to Nebraska for his best friends wedding was expensive, but the time he was able to spend bonding with Hailey and his friend was worth it. Coming down to Mountain Home wasn't as expensive as those two things but definitely not in our budget, but it was worth it.
I have never been the sentimental type. I didn't understand it. That is until my Grandma passed away. I loved her more than I ever realized. In her last year of life she did so much for me that touched my heart when it was tender from returning from my mission. She welcomed me into her home when I didn't have a place to stay before the wedding. She and Grandpa helped me pick out a wedding dress. She helped me alter my dress. She lined up a photographer and helped me pick out flowers. She worried about me when she saw me cry and she enjoyed laughing with me and making our quilt. All of these things become like the bowl in Lynn's house. Attached with memories and sentimental.
It has been a hard weekend but it has been a good weekend. Thank you for the memories and the re-memories.
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